[Weighty]

I've been thinking a lot lately and talking to parents or those without children about parenthood.

Some parents tell me that if they're being honest, and they had to do it all over again, they would NOT have children.

While at the same time, some folks who have chosen to be child-free already inherently know they don't want to be parents for a multitude of reasons.

As a parent, how do you feel if you're being 100% honest, about having children and if you'd tell others to do the same, and if not, what would be the reasons you would discourage someone from having children?

[Ali]

I'd never encourage someone to have children unless they actually wanted them. And in fact, the main reason I'd discourage anyone from having children is if they didn't want them.

Children need to be wanted. But they also require focus; some people would prefer to focus on a career, or themselves/their time, or whatever else. If a person wasn't willing to make room for giving at least half of their focus to kids, they probably shouldn't have them.

I'm a parent of two girls, both grown, and I never regretted having them. If I had to do it all over again, I'd change nothing, because the decisions I made (for better or worse) eventually gave me both of them. And I wouldn't trade that for the world.

Parenthood isn't a party and it's definitely not for the selfish because you have to give so much of yourself when you're raising kids. Your time, your energy, your attention... they come first. You take time for yourself as you're able, of course, but the majority of it is spent on them, especially when they're younger because they just need so much from you. Infancy/babyhood can be rough, toddler years are fun but a lot. Preschool/elementary you end up with more time for yourself during the day once they're in school.

Even when they get older, though (middle-high school), they still need you. To and from school/events/extracurriculars, homework help, advice/counseling/consoling... the needs change based on age.

But that life isn't for everyone, and that's okay.

[Weighty]

I hear that - regarding children needing to be wanted.

About a decade ago, someone I was dating became pregnant and we decided to get an abortion.

One of the reasons she gave -- which I applaud her maturity for -- was that she didn't want TWO people in this world to resent her: me for keeping a child when I didn't want one, and the child for being brought into this world by someone(s) who didn't want them, or weren't ready to change their life for them.

Ultimately, we were not right for each other, so it was a very prescient decision.

I watch some of my friends struggle with children, and lament their single days, or at least their more freedom days, and I can see the above scenario playing out in real time - fighting in a relationship where neither party is happy but sticking it out, anger and resentment towards the child (despite loving them unconditionally, etc), resenment towards the life they live, and just lots and lots of baggage and unhappiness.

It's such a personal decision, and it can play out in so many different ways; there really is no right or wrong answer, but it is fascinating hearing all sides.

I think the key is the partnership.

Having the right person to share that responsibility with whom you can trust is meaningful, and the children can sense discord in the marriage to the point where it becomes a negative to their growth and development at a certain point.

[SummerDay]

Children definitely know when something is up, even when parents try to hide it. Whether it's staying together, or not wanting children, or whatever it is they have going on that's making them unhappy.

I think partnership is important to a degree, although I know a few single moms who are much happier that way, or in one case, just wanted a child on their own/by themselves. But that ties into the wanting-children thing... the kid was wanted, and that was the driving force. So in her situation at least, that was a decision she basically had to make entirely for herself.

But that's why I've always been pro-choice; not to turn this into a debate or anything, but parenthood and raising children is such a personal decision no matter what someone wants or doesn't want. At the end of the day, it comes down to considering the things that will (or won't) make you happy, fulfilled, and generally create the life you want.

[Weighty]

I've had a similar discussion many times with friends based on my experience growing up in a chaotic household.

I personally feel it would have been much better had my parents divorced/separated rather than stayed together.

In one instance, you have discord, chaos, underlying stress, trauma, and PTSD constantly -- when is the other shoe going to drop? When will my parents fight again? When is my parent going to take it out on me again? When are they going to start crying again? When is the yelling going to start again? When is my parent going to come home drunk again...? and on and on...

It's pure stress, chaos, and forces a child to cope in unspeakable ways that directly affect and shape their lives forever -- in some good ways (learning how to read the room, getting good at peacemaking and diffusing tension, learning to deal with mixed emotions and feelings, etc), and mostly bad ways.

In the other instance (parents separating), you have perhaps the downside of the initial emotional severing of a family unit, the sadness and trauma of loss, the trauma of the unknown, feelings of blame and responsibility, etc. But, in the long run, you have more peace, serenity, direction, stability, and less chaos and unknown.

From my personal experience the latter is something I definitely would have wanted, and in fact when I was in my teens my father finally moved out of the house, and once the initial shock was processed -- and granted there were a lot of weird and tense moments regarding visitation, etc -- it was much more peaceful, drama-free, and stable for me to live out the remainder of my time at home before I moved out.

So, I am on the side of just ripping the band-aid off and getting a move on with your lives, so that everyone can process and move forward healthily and peacefully, and save the years and years of trauma that the child will inevitably have to go to therapy for years to overcome.

[SummerDay]

I think a lot of (if not most) people who grew up in similar situations would agree. It's much more peaceful for everyone in the end if the parents live separately when they can't live together harmoniously. Like you said, ripping the bandaid will hurt at first, but it's MUCH more short-lived compared to years and years of the alternative.

That kind of stress isn't good for children, although you're right that we do come away with "super powers" of a sort (the room reading being a big one..). I'm absolutely on the side of breaking it off and moving on so everyone can have the opportunity to flourish elsewhere instead of being dragged through hell as a unit.

There's no benefit to that.