[Ali]

Living alone can be lonely, even when you really do love having your own space (and plenty of it).

If you’re struggling with that yourself, it’s possible to turn that loneliness into an opportunity for personal growth by embracing solitude and finding ways to connect with yourself and others.

This is a particularly helpful read: https://www.rootsofloneliness.com/li...one-loneliness

Has anyone else experienced this? How do you cope with loneliness when you're living solo and what advice would you give to others?

[Weighty]

I often worry about my mom living alone.

She has extreme bouts of loneliness and NEEDS people and social interactions like oxygen.

I've tried offering her tips and advice, but something strange happens after she visits me and is filled up and happy, and then goes back to her same lonely house -- she gets depressed and loses total slack of the rope and let's go.

Her sleep schedule is disrupted and terrible; she doesn't leave the house, she won't do common things to take care of herself, and she basically gets thrown into a rut.

I know she's lonely -- I get that, and we talk about it -- and yet she won't do anything to pull herself out of it, despite all the cool new apps, activities, and things that I've shared with her and found for her.

It's like she just gives up, and doesn't even try, just because she's alone, she figures, why bother.

It's really a vicious cycle, that I often get tired of thinking about or feeling responsioble for -- I cannot give up my life to make my mom less lonely -- and I've told her often she needs a gentelman caller and a bestie (and then more!) so that every single day is filled with love, attention, activity and feeling worth.

I'll keep trying to get her signed up for things and out of the house, but at some point, she absolutely MUST take ownership of her life and existence and stop depending on others to create her happiness.

I get it, we all need help, and we all struggle at times with loneliness, moving to a new city, living alone, etc -- but at the same time, there also is a time when the training wheels need to come off and you need to just get out there and really own your loneliness and work to solve it - through activities, feeling needed through donating time, scheduling outings, exercise, etc.

[SummerDay]

I think it's really easy for people to get stuck in a rut, and then stay there. Like, yeah, you know all the things you should or could do, but that takes some kind of effort that either feels too overwhelming, or takes you out of the familiarity you've come to know.

Has she seen anyone for depression, like a therapist or someone along those lines? The rut can be a LOT worse when it's rooted in depression, which is how it sounds. But too, even finding people to spend time with, that can be a catalyst for further co-dependency. So finding ways to become independent, to take that ownership of her life, I feel like that's the most important first step.

And if she's not open to seeing someone in person, even virtual appointments with a therapist online might help?

[Weighty]

She has seen folks off and on for depression for years -- literally since I was in high school and beyond. She's always suffered from anxiety, and mental health stress, so I do empathize, but I just reach a point of not being able to sympathize any longer.

And you make a great point about the co-dependency thing! I hadn't thought of it like that, but you are right, it feels exactly like that -- with whoever or whatever comes her way, me included.

She's almost TOO comfortable and perfectly happy to just let me take care of her, defer my needs, and live in this bubble whenever she visitis (and I would guess and it feels like, beyond if I let her!) to really just lean into all the things -- doing stuff for her, taking her places, planning things, and being almost like her guide, caretaker, support, etc, all wrapped into one.

I have a saying that I tell her:

"The longer you stay, the less time we'll spend together."

Because otherwise, she would definitely violate all sorts of boundaries.

Again, it's not necessarily her fault; she has that built into her psychology — she is not someone who is meant to be alone, and does not thrive in that environment.

When she's on her own, she does fill her days with doctor's visits, shopping trips, and any social interaction she can get her hands on.

There is a yin/yang here -- I can only do so much, care for and help her so often before it degrades my boundaries, sense of self, and begins to feel as if I have now become beholden to another life that I never asked for -- that of a full-time caretaker.

We're working on things, though and I'll never top trying to help her, I just am thinking through when it becomes "time" for her to take the responsibility and ownership.

[SummerDay]

I know how that goes. I had an aunt who would go and travel to see family all over everywhere, and that would include seeing me once in a while. No problem. But she'd plan to visit someone for a week or two, and then stay there for months. It was like once she landed somewhere, wherever it was, that became her new routine.

But I see a lot of similarities to what you say about your mom: the anxiety, the not being able to be alone, the depression. A LOT of that is so familiar to me. And it's hard because no matter how much you try to do, they are the ones who have to do it for themselves eventually unless you plan on doing the caregiver thing.

Which then you feel like crap for not wanting to. And maybe it'd feel different if there was a bigger reason, like if they were not able to care for themselves. But when they're relatively able-bodied and simply don't want to... it's easy to get resentful.

At least in my aunt's case, that devolved into not being able to. Like she eventually became housebound because of it. (She's since passed, she got sick some years back, but I have to wonder if some of it wasn't due to her frame of mind and lack of self-care/self-motivation.)

[Weighty]

Oh, absolutely -- a lack of self-care, routine, and emotional stability can really cause so much conflict and turmoil.

There's a great movie called "A Monster Calls" about a boy whose mother has terminal cancer and how he deals with the trauma of watching her die through his imagination.

It's actually a really powerful movie, and in the end, the boy has to reconcile his counter-balancing feelings (where 2 things can be true at the same time):

He doesn't want his mother to die, and is sad and torn up about it

And...

He also wants the suffering to end and for it all to be over.

This conflict was ripping him apart -- the guilt and shame of "wanting" someone to die -- and reconciling his feelings was manifested creatively with a monster that would visit him at night and teach him things through allegory.

Anyway, not that I want my mother to die anytime soon, but it does weigh on me heavily the guilt of it all, and so I find myself roped back into "helping" or caring for her and wanting her to do more things for herself than she's willing or able to do.

[SummerDay]

This conflict was ripping him apart -- the guilt and shame of "wanting" someone to die -- and reconciling his feelings was manifested creatively with a monster that would visit him at night and teach him things through allegory.

Anyway, not that I want my mother to die anytime soon, but it does weigh on me heavily the guilt of it all, and so I find myself roped back into "helping" or caring for her and wanting her to do more things for herself than she's willing or able to do.

I can relate to that conflict, 1000%. Which is awful, I know. I felt terrible about it, tbh. But then I'd also get frustrated because it's like... I can't live your life for you, you need to do it yourself. But then you also can't just leave them be or turn your back, and feel good about that, either.

It's a vicious cycle. And you never come out of that winning.

[Weighty]

There are no right or wrong answers...I think what really matters is being able to work through your feelings internally, understand that 2 things can be held at the same time, and not beating yourself up over them, regardless of what others might say, or judge you -- and really, ultimately, how you would judge yourself in a vacuum.

It's easy for someone to say what they would do, or what you should do, but until you're there, the courage, vulnerability and decision that springs from that situation is unique to itself.

[SummerDay]

This is true, because no one knows what it's like to walk in another's shoes, at least not completely. So it's simple for someone to say "go no-contact" or "step up and go full contact" (or whatever... insert unsolicited advice here).

And on one hand, I really *am* glad she passed because I don't know if she was ever happy to begin with, and maybe things got better for her afterward, if that makes sense. I probably could have been kinder at times, but we (the family that was around) also put up with a lot. A lot. So it was like, relief, too. (Which also makes you feel like a piece of you know what.)

But being able to talk about it helps, and just working through those feelings for yourself in whatever ways work. If anything though, I vowed never to be like that. So maybe we learn from it, too.