[Ali]

Being single can sometimes bring up feelings of loneliness, even if you’re not necessarily alone. One of our authors shared her own experiences and offers some practical tips for dealing with those feelings.

If you’ve ever dealt with loneliness while being single, her words might really resonate with you.

Here’s the link: https://www.rootsofloneliness.com/single-loneliness

Has anyone else felt this? How do you handle loneliness when you’re flying solo?

[Weighty]

There are moments that I absolutely cherish my solitude and being single - and there are others when it weighs on me heavily.

Mostly it’s in the moments ironically, when I’m having the most fun, because as the saying goes - what’s the first thing you want to do when something happens to you or for you?

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I often think to myself “wow, I’d love to have someone here who gets this and would feel what I’m feeling!”

It’s at those moments when the loneliness of being single weighs heaviest.

[Gin]

I know what you mean. Like, you’re laughing or soaking something in, and then suddenly you’re thinking, “Man, I wish someone was here to share this with me.”

There’s just something about having someone who’d look at you in that moment and feel the same thing, without even needing to explain it. It doesn’t mean you’re not happy being on your own, just that sometimes joy feels like it wants a witness.

[SummerDay]

I might be abnormal but I have no desire to be in a relationship with someone, or at least sexually. I'm pretty much asexual, I think. So it's this weird combination of feeling like i should be in a relationship and not be single, but I also don't want to do certain parts of the relationship "stuff" either.

Like the companionship would be nice, but I wouldn't want to live together. And it'd be nice to have someone to do things with, but without any sexual pressure.

And that's a tall order.

[Sadie Mae]

I hear you. My husband is awesome, but I think if I didn't have someone awesome to be with--I wouldn't do what so many of my friends do and settle for subpar randos so they won't be lonely. I think younger generations (younger than mine anyway) are making much better choices in that regard and not getting pushed into marriages and families they may not want. It's pretty awesome.

[SummerDay]

I hear you. My husband is awesome, but I think if I didn't have someone awesome to be with--I wouldn't do what so many of my friends do and settle for subpar randos so they won't be lonely.

This. So much. I have a friend who, while still going through a divorce, was dating constantly. Like, immediately. And he was dating total randos and hooking up with them left and right. I was admittedly getting kinda worried for a while. Having 3-4 dates with different people each week, sleeping with at least half of them. Not super thrilled with their current GF but they've been together for more than a year now, so that's something.

Better to be alone than with a subpar rando, for sure. I do feel like younger generations are not settling for less, and if it means not settling at all... I think they're happier that way.

[Weighty]

In my family, it was super weird (and still is) that I am single to this day. People thought I was just gay and in the closet LOL...Ive had so many conversation with my mom and family explaining to them that I would rather be alone than with someone that I wasn't truly in love with -- it would not feel right to me, and be unfair to them.

Because I've actually been in love before, and know how that feels, it's a lot easier for me to say no to someone that isn't that.

Once you've eaten from the fruit so to speak...you just can't ever look someone in the eye and sleep good at night knowing that something is just "off", even if this person is amazing and on paper everything you are looking for.

The hardest conversations I've ever had aren't with someone who isn't a good fit, but rather with the ones who ARE, but there's just that "missing piece" that no matter what they do, can't be created, sadly.

Telling someone they're literally everything you've ever wanted in a partner, but that you just don't aren't in love with them is crushing for both people.

You wonder, how many bites of the apple are you going to get before the universe just throws up its hands and says "I sent you many people to save you from drowning and you didn't accept their help..."

[Wednesday]

That's the tricky part. It seems like one could just make new friends and have lots of rewarding friendships without having to pick one person and commit. But when they want a committment you can't give, it's hard to just go back to being buddies.

[Birdie_94]

I can relate to so much of what's been shared here.

I spent essentially my entire 20s in two long-term relationships (not at the same time, haha). The first lasted 7 years, and the second lasted 3, starting only a couple of months after the first ended. The second was a hard correction from the calm, secure ease of the first relationship. It was more exciting, but it also required a lot more therapy afterward.

Now I'm about 2.5 years into being single. I'm still pretty burnt out on dating, yet I also get these random moments where I deeply long for another partnership.

What really resonated with me, though, was this:

"The companionship would be nice, but I wouldn't want to live together. And it'd be nice to have someone to do things with, but without any sexual pressure."

I understand the contradiction.

I find myself wanting someone to curl up with while watching a movie, but not necessarily someone to share a bed with every night. I want separate spaces.

Lately I've wondered whether something like a lavender relationship might actually fit me better than a traditional one. What I really want is a best friend and life partner. Someone whose life runs alongside mine rather than becoming intertwined to the point where we depend on each other for everything.

[Weighty]

I had to look up what a "lavender relationship" meant since I'd never heard the term.

But, that description, whether hetero or queer, definitely seems apts and appeals to me.

In fact, it's part of what being alone all these years has felt like. I love my autonomy, and I'm really happy travelling alone and doing most things alone, but sometimes I do crave companionship, physical intimacy and closelness but without all the additional baggage, weight, or expectations (traditional or otherwise).

What I've been able to find lately is a partner who feels the same way. We've known each other for over 20 years now, and have been in each other's lives off and on through various relationships to others, a marriage, a divorce, and now we're back after each of us went our separate ways various times.

And the best part is that it's better than ever.

We hang out, love each other, admire each other, have amazing sex -- and then we also have our separateness without burden or expectation.

She can see other people, I can see other people, but those are options, they aren't mandates or necessities.

It's very ironic that the one relationship that has given me the most freedom in my life is the one that I seek out and feel the most fulfilled in and want to engage with more meaningfully.

I think more poeople should try this and get over themselves - I think the term now is Living Apart Together (LAT) - and see how truly gratifying it is to have your own room/living space, freedom, alone time, autonomy, etc and yet be deeply in love with someone who you spare from all the more mumndane life stuff, and usually see and bring your best to them, without burdening them and vice versa.

It makes a truly huge difference and has been a revelation.

You can love them for who they truly are, without expecting or pressuring them to be something they cannot be, or don't want to be.

[Birdie_94]

I really love that. I think one of the coolest shifts happening is that people are realizing relationships don't have to follow a single template to be healthy or meaningful. As society, technology, and the way we live continue to change, it makes sense that our relationships evolve too.

I also don't think these kinds of relationships are necessarily the "easy" option. If anything, they seem to require a lot more intention, self-awareness, and a willingness to do the hard work of healing, communicating, and working through some pretty complex emotions.

I don't know exactly what shape my future relationships will take, but I do love seeing people redefine them in ways that feel authentic rather than defaulting to tradition simply because it's tradition.

[SummerDay]

I don’t think being single automatically means feeling lonely, but I also don’t think it’s as simple as saying, “Just enjoy being single.”

At least for me, those feel like two completely different conversations.

I’ve had times where I’ve been by myself and felt surprisingly content. I’d spend an afternoon reading, go for a walk, or get completely absorbed in a hobby, and I wouldn’t have traded that peace for being in the wrong relationship.

Then there have been other days where the quiet feels…different. Not bad exactly, just heavy. Usually it’s less about wanting a relationship and more about wanting someone to share little pieces of life with. Someone to text when something funny happens, or to tell about the random black squirrel I saw on my walk. (Yes, I realize that probably says something about me. 😂)

I think that’s why I try not to measure my life by whether I’m single or partnered. I’ve known people who felt incredibly lonely while married, and I’ve known people who were single for years and genuinely happy. The relationship status didn’t seem to be the deciding factor.

Maybe the better question is whether we feel seen. Whether we have people we can be ourselves around. Sometimes that’s a partner. Sometimes it’s a close friend, family member, or even a community like this one.

I still believe most of us want meaningful connection in one form or another. I don’t think that’s something we should feel guilty about. But I’ve also learned that being alone and being lonely aren’t interchangeable, even though they sometimes overlap.

Life seems to have a lot more shades of gray than I expected when I was younger. LOL.

[Birdie_94]

That resonated with me because I think so much of loneliness (for me specifically) is less about the absence of people and more about the absence of feeling understood.

I've felt lonely in relationships before, and I've also had periods of being single where I felt really content because I had strong friendships, meaningful work, and a sense of purpose.

I do think there are certain moments where a partner fills a role that's hard to replace. It's not necessarily about needing someone to "complete" you. It's those little moments when something funny happens or you experience something beautiful and your first instinct is to turn to someone who knows you deeply.

I guess that's the distinction I've started making for myself.