[Sazuharu]

Hello, I was in a long-distance relationship with my ex for about 3–4 years. He is Australian and I'm Indonesian, He is 23 years older than me, I’m 29. Please don’t assume it was a sugar daddy–sugar baby relationship, it wasn’t like that. We never had sex because I didn’t want to (I’m still a virgin). From the beginning, I didn’t really see a future with him. Even though he was kind, when he was in a bad mood his words could really hurt me.

I think because I’m much younger than him, sometimes I felt like I deserved more. We only went on vacation together twice. He paid for all the accommodation and most of the meals, while I paid for my own needs and occasionally for our meals. I just didn’t feel special (I know it’s wrong to expect that just because I’m younger).

Some time ago, he wanted to plan another trip, but I refused because my finances aren’t good right now. I hinted that I wanted him to cover my expenses too (I know that sounds shameless, deep down I felt entitled to it because I’m younger), but he didn’t want to. So now we’ve broken up.

I feel very lonely. I told him several times that I didn’t mind if we didn’t meet in person, as long as we could still chat, but he feels that’s not a real relationship (and honestly, I feel that way too). So what am I supposed to do? My financial situation isn’t good.

Sometimes I see women my age or even younger being fully provided by their partners, and it makes me very jealous. But maybe I’m just not worthy of a man like that.


It feels like my life stopped at 18, when I graduated from high school. I stopped dating at 15 and only started dating again around 24, with my last ex. I don’t have friends because I feel too lazy to socialize, but deep down I’m extremely lonely and I want to connect with people.

If anyone wants or needs someone to talk to, I can be your friend. You can tell me about your day or anything but nothing sexual is allowed. I won’t fake my reactions but I’m sorry if sometimes I overreact or get too excited. I’m just really, really lonely.

[Weighty]

Hello Sazuharu -- welcome to the forum! I have often been in the situation you are referring to on the other side -- dating women from other countries who wanted me to pay for everything.

First, I want to say something clearly: nothing you wrote makes you “unworthy” of love or of a good partner. Feeling jealous when you see other people being taken care of, wanting to feel special, or wanting someone to invest in you emotionally or financially doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you have needs and hopes like anyone else. Most people feel those things at times — they just don’t always say them out loud.

I was always willing to pay or sponsor someone when I travelled, but it had to feel right for me to do so -- if I felt like they were just using me, or expecting me to pay, it didn't make me feel valued or appreciated, just used.

So it's important that if you ever do find yourself in that situation again, you are in it for the right reasons to begin with.

It also sounds like your relationship had some mixed feelings in it for you. On one hand, he was kind and you had a connection that lasted several years. On the other hand, you didn’t really see a future with him, his words could hurt you when he was in a bad mood, and you often didn’t feel special.

That’s a confusing place to be emotionally. When a relationship like that ends, the loneliness can feel even stronger because the routine of having someone there — even imperfectly — suddenly disappears.

Something else you said really stood out: that it feels like your life “stopped at 18.” That’s a powerful sentence.

Sometimes when life gets stuck for a while, it can make everything feel frozen — dating, friendships, confidence, even motivation to socialize. But being 29 doesn’t mean the story is finished. In many ways it may just mean you’re at the point where you’re starting to notice what’s missing and what you actually want.

You also mentioned feeling “lazy to socialize” but at the same time deeply wanting connection. That tension is extremely common when someone has been lonely for a long time. The desire for connection is there, but the energy or confidence to pursue it feels drained.

I’m curious about a few things if you feel comfortable sharing more.

When you imagine the kind of relationship that would truly make you feel valued, what does that actually look like for you — emotionally, not just financially?

Outside of romantic relationships, have there ever been times in your life when you did feel connected to people — friends, classmates, family, or a community? What was different then?

And right now in your day-to-day life, what are the moments when the loneliness feels strongest — is it at night, when you’re scrolling social media, when you see couples, or when you simply don’t have anyone to talk to?

You’re not strange for wanting someone to talk to or for reaching out here. In fact, that impulse — the part of you that still wants connection — is actually a very healthy sign. It means that even though you feel stuck, a part of you still believes connection is possible.

Just remember that in the same way you want that connectin and acceptance, so too does someone you will date, even if they are from another country.

They are not your meal ticket, or a free ride, they are a potential companion with the same hopes, fears, and wants as you.