[Birdie_94]

Does anyone else feel like making friends as an adult is hard?

I work remotely now, and I realized most of the friends I've made in my life came from work or school. When you're around the same people every day, friendships just kind of happen. Now I spend much more time at home, and it's not exactly easy to meet new people.

I've tried a few Meetups, but nothing has really clicked yet.

Where are you all finding friends these days?

[Weighty]

I think a lot of personal interactions as an adult are harder.

I mean just the other day, I found myself wanting to ask a fellow gym goer a question...this was not a dating situation, or anything like that, as I was just noticing that this guy in the gym had incredible abs, and was ripped, yet he seemed to be older, maybe in his late 40's/early 50's (about my same age), and I was curious if he was using any TRT (testosterone replacement therapy) as it's something that I've been considering lately for lots of reasons.

Anyway, long story short, in the past (before COVID, today's more "woke" culture where people feel "uncomfortable" all the time if you just look at them, etc), I would have walked right up to him (esp since he's a fellow workout bro!), and just straight up told him that I thought he was in awesome shape, and if I could ask him about his supplement stack, or other "enhancements"...

But something stopped me.

I was like, "wait...what if he gets ****ed off at me? What if he doesn't appreciate me 'checking him out' or noticing his physique? What if he thinks that I'm gay or hitting on him? What if..." and I stopped short.

I think this speaks directly to what's going on today with our society and culture around these things.

Closeness, proximity, friendships, what's appropriate, what makes people feel encroached upon or put off by, etc.

It's all so **** confusing now, and it makes me really sad and angry.

So, yes, finding friends feels and seems much harder, but some things that I have tried and worked to a certain extent for me included meetup groups (hiking, and activities that I would enjoy no matter what like bowling, or a movie night); meeting folks at the gym (when it was ok to talk to them!); at conferences (a lot of my work and passions have natural conferences and events where I meet a LOT of like-minded people!); and through my work whether online or otherwise.

I volunteered once, but that seemed to be other peopke doing it for different reasons and didn't quite click for me, but I'm not an extrovert, so doing any of these sorts of things feels like real effort sometimes!

[Birdie_94]

I keep hearing similar stories from other men who feel the same way. It’s honestly such a bummer that something as simple as talking to another person can feel so complicated because you don’t want to offend them, make them uncomfortable, or accidentally make it seem like you’re making a move.

Maybe I’m crazy, but I feel like the more we make the effort to connect with people and spread a little joy, the faster we can turn the page on this weird, uncomfortable chapter. Honestly, you might have made that guy’s day by approaching him!

I, for one, am always thrilled when someone approaches me with a good-faith comment or question. I am an extrovert and certified yapper, though, so maybe I have a biased take. Also, this isn't an issue that affects women much at all. Which is super unfair and ****ty.

[SummerDay]

I think one of the weirdest things about making friends as an adult is realizing how little effort we actually had to put into meeting people when we were younger.

School basically put the same people in front of us every day for years. Work can do the same thing. You see someone enough times, eventually you talk, then maybe you eat lunch together, and somehow six months later you’re friends. Nobody had to formally announce, “I am currently accepting applications for friendship.” LOL.

Working remotely takes a lot of that away.

I’ve also found that one-time social things aren’t always great for me. I’m a little more introverted, so if I go to something where I don’t know anyone, there’s a decent chance I’ll spend half the time convincing myself to talk to somebody and the other half recovering from having done it. 😂

I think repeated activities are probably better, especially ones I’d genuinely enjoy even if I didn’t make a friend there. A class, volunteering, a hobby group, walking/hiking group, something like that. Then you start recognizing faces, conversations don’t feel quite so forced, and eventually someone becomes “the person I always talk to here.” That seems much closer to how friendships happened naturally when we were younger.

And I agree with both of you about just talking to people. I understand why everyone has become more cautious about boundaries, and obviously there are situations where that’s a good thing. But I hope we haven’t gotten to a place where every friendly interaction with a stranger has to be analyzed for seventeen possible ulterior motives first.

Sometimes somebody really does just want to talk about your abs. 😂

I do wonder if part of the answer is accepting that making friends as an adult is going to feel awkward for a while. Maybe “nothing clicked” at the Meetups doesn’t necessarily mean they didn’t work, Birdie. It might just take seeing some of those same people five or ten times instead of once or twice before anything starts feeling natural.

Which is admittedly annoying. I would also prefer the friendship equivalent of Amazon Prime. 🙂