[Ali]

One of our authors shared her personal experience of feeling isolated despite being married and offers some really helpful advice on how to cope with those feelings.

If you've ever felt like this, you’re definitely not alone and there are ways to start healing.

Here’s the link if you want to check it out: https://www.rootsofloneliness.com/married-and-lonely

Anyone else felt this way in their marriage?

[Weighty]

I was curious if anyone out there had been dealing with this and could speak on it?

I am asking as an observer since I am not currently married.

I see friends and while some of them are in good relationships, some are not, and I am deeply saddened by it because I can see they are lonely IN their marriage, yet aren't really doing anything to get out of it or change things.

I asked one of my friends who was complaining about his situation "So, how long are you gong to live like this?" and he responded "What do you mean? For the rest of my life..." and it was crushing to me to think that he would be ok signing up for that despite KNOWING its not a great sitation.

Any advice or thoughts for these types of situations or people that we care about in our lives, struggling in their marriage and feeling lonely?

[Ali]

With marriage, especially long-term, situations like that seem to ebb and flow. I was super lonely back when the kids were very young and my husband was working a ton of hours... and years later, he was super lonely when I was working a ton of hours and we weren't spending much time together.

The situation sucked, sure, but was a necessity, and we each would complain at times (to others, or to each other), but... it was never worth canceling the marriage over. You get through the rough spots as a couple, even if it takes months or years, when you're committed that way. You just do, if the marriage and the person are important to you.

And that might be why your friend is struggling. When he "signed up for that," was the situation what it is now? Or did it change over time, as usually happens at some point or another? Marriage is (supposed to be) in sickness, health, good times, bad, easy situations and difficult ones... but things are not always ideal every single day, or every single year. And sometimes they are.

I say that as someone who's been married for nearly 25 years and seen the ebb and flow, the changes, the growth, all of it. I know for a fact that there are some who thought we should have divorced at this point or that, but we didn't, and we're stronger for it in the end.

That isn't to say that every marriage can or should be saved; I'm not saying that at all. It really depends on the situation, the couple, their circumstances, et al.

[Weighty]

Well for more context in this situation in particular, things totally changed once they got married.

She moved in, and completely upended his life -- I hardly see him anymore, and while we used to go on trips together, we can't even broach the subject because his wife will absolutely lose her S*IT and it causes so much conflict, he doesn't even ask anymore and neither do I.

We can't hang out, we don't see each other - and yes, this is partly his fault for not stepping up, saying something or putting his foot down and saying he won't contend with this and is unhappy.

In the beginning, she was "cool", and now, it's a nightmare scenario -- complicated by a child.

Another friend is in a long term relationship, but he is ok with the bad being greatly outweighed by the good, so in that case, I'm all for him staying and working through things.

But when the bad outweighs the good, I just don't get it.

[Ali]

Yeah, it's hard to know for sure. If she was cool before the kid came along, it could be something related to motherhood/parenting/partnership that's making her lose her sh** if he goes on trips (does she ever?), but if it was before the kid came along, I don't know.

I think it really comes down to not only the bad outweighing the good, but what makes the bad heavy enough to do so, if that makes sense. And I think that's really different for everyone, in every situation.

[Weighty]

From what I understand, she completely changed -- when they were dating (before she moved in and took over and before they got married or were ever pregnant), she "allowed" and encouraged him to do his own thing, hang out with his friends and take trips.

Once that ended (and she moved in, but even before the pregnancy), friction started, and it's only gotten worse now to the point where she will not allow him to do anything at all that isn't family oriented or about the family -- no solo stuff on his own, no travel or trips with friends, nothing.

In other words, it's not healthy, and never was and he tells me all the time that he feels he was lied to and the relationship was tendered under false pretenses...

It's FKCED up....

Again, though, it's up to him to assert himself, stand up for himself and ask for what he needs, but there also is the element of feeling trapped with a daughter and wanting to please and "do the right thing"....

Funny but the moment my dad and I, who was alive at the time, met her, we were like "I don't think he should move in with her..." it is sad to have lost a friendship in this way...

[Ali]

Yeah, that's definitely a problem. If he admits that he feels like he was lied to, that right there is grounds enough to cut the relationship loose and find something better (or even just be single).

Those are the kinds of red-flags that women always need to look out for (controlling men who basically cut off the woman's support system one person at a time), but people don't realize that women can do that to men, too.

It might not be something you can ever convince him of, until he reaches a point where he's like... F THIS. But that's a point he needs to reach on his own, and hopefully he does.

One thing that's worth bringing up, if or when you talk to him again... as parents, we sort of set the tone for expectations as far as what relationships SHOULD be, for our kids. They learn by our example, right? So that's something he should consider (and maybe suggest it gently...) as far as the example he's setting for her, in regard to what he's willing to put up with and sacrifice in terms of happiness.

Would he want to see her in this kind of relationship someday?

If the answer is no... you get where I'm going here.

[Weighty]

Yep, it's funny you should mention that because it's exactly what I told him.

Parents often think that staying in the marriage is "good" for the kids, and they sacrifice that for them, but in reality, it could be terrible for the kids, because they are in a constant state of fight or flight, being around abuse, trauma, or chaos all the time.

He listens, but doesn't say anything.

I honestly don't think he has the balls to make a change like that since he also doesn't have them to stand up for himself and ask for what he needs or wants.

I gave him the example of my own parents, who stayed together, even though they shouldn't have.

In doing so, I grew up in a chaotic household where I had to walk on eggshells, and it messed me up for years with regards to relationships and intimacy.

Those lessons were embedded within me, causing a conflict where one part of me yearned for intimacy, and the other feared it and losing my independence and self just as much -- causing an unhealthy attachment style that cost me.

If I have one lesson or word of advice for any parent out there who thinks remaining in an unhealthy relationship for the kids is a good option, I would urge you to look beyond what you were taught and what society often thinks is the "right thing" to do, and look deeper.

The best solution might be for 2 parents to both be happy apart, rather than miserable together.

[SummerDay]

If I have one lesson or word of advice for any parent out there who thinks remaining in an unhealthy relationship for the kids is a good option, I would urge you to look beyond what you were taught and what society often thinks is the "right thing" to do, and look deeper.

The best solution might be for 2 parents to both be happy apart, rather than miserable together.

I think that's definitely true. I have family members who stayed together 'for the good of the children' and basically divorced right when the youngest turned 18. I don't think it helped anything, and honestly likely made it a whole lot worse than it would have been had they just separated and divorced when the kids were in single-digit ages. That's how long things had been contentious between them...

And that's just not good for anyone.